High Stakes Divorce, Part 2: Surviving the Middle
You've pressed the red button. The decision is made, the words have been said, and now you're in the middle: the shock, the negotiations, and the disclosure that decides what you're really working with.
This is Part 2 of our High Stakes Divorce series. Kim Sare, Rhiannon Compton and I tackled the During stage through three lenses: psychological, financial and legal.
PSYCHOLOGICAL
The shock, even when you saw it coming
I remember breaking down mid-exercise class. I'd prepared, I'd planned, I'd pressed the button myself, and the shock still arrived.
If that happens to you, it doesn't mean you got it wrong. It means you're human. And if you've been blindsided, you could be in shock for much longer than you, or anyone around you, expects. Be gentle with yourself. A rough ride with all kinds of emotions is normal.
Watch out for the urge to rescue them again. Many people feel a sudden pull to help their ex more than themselves. Old habits and old roles don't disappear the moment you separate.
There are big practical questions here too. Will you live under one roof for now, or apart from day one? If you keep the house, what does that mean for boundaries, not just finances? Co-parenting can start brilliantly, but it often unravels once anger takes hold. Protect it with boundaries early, and sort out the finances while things are amicable, because they may not stay that way.
Here's what I most want you to know: talking isn't the hard part, shifting the feelings is. That takes deeper trauma work through somatic release, not just conversation. A divorce specialist coach will do this far better than a generalist life coach. And know your coach's limitations: some aren't healed themselves, and some don't understand the legal process.
FINANCIAL
What full disclosure really means
Kim was clear: full and frank disclosure means everything. Cash and savings, businesses, cars, jewellery and watches, pensions and life insurance.
You'll hear about Form E. It can be used in mediation, solicitor negotiations and court, so it isn't only a “court form”.
Then there's the pension value. A CETV (Cash Equivalent Transfer Value) is often guesswork. Kim's example: a defined benefit pension with a CETV of £400k might have a real value closer to £1.2 million. That gap matters most in complex, higher-value estates, which is why you need to check whether you need a PODE (Pensions On Divorce Expert) report.
Kim also walked us through:
● The four buckets of needs: income, capital, pensions and housing. These frame what's actually being negotiated.
● The offsetting trap: swapping a pension for the house sounds tidy, but pensions and property behave very differently on liquidity, tax and growth. A straight swap is easy to get wrong.
● Needs versus sharing: most cases are needs cases. As a rule of thumb, estates of around £3m or more tend to move into sharing territory, where length of marriage becomes more relevant.
● Maintenance versus clean break: work out which fits your situation.
Most of all: know your negotiating position and the real value of cash flow. Don't agree early just to end the discomfort.
LEGAL
The routes available to you
Rhiannon reminded us that you have more options than most people realise: coaching, mediation, a legal neutral, the Together In Divorce programme (with or without coaching), separate solicitors, court, or Reclaim & Rise VIP + Legal. Research each one and get cost and time estimates.
Her most freeing advice: there's no point researching the whole of the Matrimonial Causes Act when only one or two sections might apply to you. Learn the difference between worthy arguments (points that matter given your facts and assets) and non-starters (points that feel important but won't move your case forward).
Practical protections to discuss with a professional:
● Change your nominated beneficiary
● Draft a new Will
● Sever the joint tenancy
● Protect yourself, and your house
You're not meant to be an expert in this. That's what we're here for.
THIS WEEK
Three small actions
1. Psychological: set one boundary, around co-parenting or what you share with your ex, and stick to it.
2. Financial: start grouping your assets into income, capital, pensions and housing.
3. Legal: shortlist the one or two routes that fit your situation, and book a call to discuss them.
Next in the series: After, recovery, reinvention and making it count.
Want the full workshops?
The live series has finished, but you can still get everything:
● Get all four workshop recordings and workbooks for £67: go.familyflow.co.uk/high-stakes-workshop-series
● Or talk it through one to one with a Deep Dive Clarity Call (£97): book your call here