High Stakes Divorce, Part 1: Before You Press the Red Button
There's a moment before every divorce when you know, but you haven't said it out loud yet. I call it the moment before you press the red button.
What you do in that window can shape everything that follows: how you feel, what you keep, and how well you come out the other side. That's why we opened our High Stakes Divorce series with Before. I was joined by Kim Sare of Guided Financial and The PODE, and Rhiannon Compton, The Family Law Consultant. Here's what we covered, through three lenses.
A note before anything else: this assumes you are safe. If your partner is very difficult, jealous, possessive or controlling, or you feel unsafe raising separation, please make a safety plan first. Tell someone where you're going, and reach out to Women's Aid, Refuge, ManKind, your GP or Citizens Advice.
PSYCHOLOGICAL
You're probably not the problem
Many of the women I work with have had counselling, sometimes couples counselling. Many have come to believe, or been told, that they are the problem. Very likely, you're not.
Nothing is lonelier than being a single parent within a marriage. Two friends once asked me, “How many more times are you going to have the same conversation?” That question was what finally got me to act.
And if you're staying together for the kids? Please don't. Set the example instead.
Divorce pushes you out of everything familiar, and your nervous system knows it. You move from comfort (familiar, even when it isn't working) into fear (self-doubt, “what if?”), then learning and finally growth. The fear stage is normal. It isn't a sign you're making the wrong choice.
Build your team before D-Day. Get the right support in place before you press the button. Be careful who you tell what, because not everyone needs to know everything. Expect people to surprise you: support comes from unlikely places, and some people you expect to show up won't. That's about them, not you. And if you're financially comfortable, be prepared for some uninformed comments.
FINANCIAL
Pensions, the overlooked asset
Kim's message was clear. Your pension is often the second largest asset after the family home, yet it's regularly overlooked because immediate needs come first.
Pensions can be shared, and they should be. Kim sees the same pattern again and again: the house and immediate needs get sorted, pensions are ignored, the judge rejects the consent order, a PODE report is instructed, and it takes three to six months to work out the share. Start early. Pension sharing should never be an afterthought.
The wealth gap between men and women widens at two points: raising a family, and separation and divorce. So while you still have access:
● Know your family finances, including the pensions. If your partner is reluctant to share, bring in a neutral independent financial adviser.
● Update your Will. It's a practical step you can take right now.
● Piece the pensions together. Think back over both working lives. Don't expect full disclosure, even though legally it should happen.
● List every asset: property, cash and savings, investments, pensions (yours and theirs), business interests, and everything else, from cars and jewellery to watches, antiques and life insurance.
Whatever your instinct says, don't let the house become the whole story.
LEGAL
Decide deliberately and plan your exit
Rhiannon's advice: when you're ready, make the decision deliberately. Think it through, be kind to yourself and give it time.
Then make an exit plan, even if you'll still be living under the same roof. Who leaves? Will you be entitled to any state benefits? Will you need time off work? Where will the children live?
Get your starter pack together: download your statements, look at your pension pot, get a mortgage redemption figure, know your mortgage capacity and find out when your fixed rate
ends. Know whether there's a pre-nup and exactly what it says. Remember the law treats married and cohabiting couples very differently.
And try the transparency test: what does your partner tell you about your joint finances?
THIS WEEK
Three small actions
1. Psychological: start thinking about your team. Who do you trust? Who should you tell, and who shouldn't you tell yet?
2. Financial: start your asset list, including pensions and business interests.
3. Legal: gather your starter pack: statements, pension details and mortgage figures.
Half of marriages end. You're in the company of amazing fellow divorcees, at the start of what can become the most transformational period of your life. Get emotional as well as practical support early, and build a Divorce Fund so you can pay for it. As Rhiannon put it: don't rush, and don't be pressured into immediate action. There is a wealth of experience available to you.
Next in the series: During, what happens once you've pressed the red button.
Want the full workshops?
The live series has finished, but you can still get everything:
● Get all four workshop recordings and workbooks for £67: go.familyflow.co.uk/high-stakes-workshop-series
● Or talk it through one to one with a Deep Dive Clarity Call (£97): book your call here