Happy Holidays? Or Hello Triggers and Trauma?
Liz here. Today is my wedding anniversary, but it creates zero bad memories, only happy ones of a happy day that I don't regret one bit despite it ending almost 13 years later. Why? Because I've 'done the work' on it!
Holidays on the other hand, not so much!
I'm away with my partner and his kids and don't get me wrong, it's lovely and I'm being truly looked after. Triggers and trauma flashbacks however have been abundant!
Holidays were something I felt immensely grateful for when I was married - after all he worked so damn hard to pay for them (never mind the ones I fully contributed to of course, or the fact I was doing all the child and home care worth £50k + a year), and it was the ONLY time he EVER took off from work to spend with us - we just weren't important enough unless we were actually physically away on a 'proper' holiday and there always HAD to be surf.
We were so close to my in-laws - his parents, siblings, cousins who we all holidayed together at least twice a year. In fact we only had two holidays just us after the kids came. Holidays prior to that also revolved around surfing and I was always warned before them that he would not be proposing, so I was always deflated and sad before we'd even left, but of course tried my best to put on a brave face.
These past holidays were often filled with stress, anxiety and conflict and I only survived them by drinking way more than I should have and going for solo runs whenever I could, usually instead of driving to the beach with the family so as not to impact or delay anyone else of course.
On my 40th Birthday my sister's bought me a trip to 'Zip World' to ride the UK's longest Zip Line. Two days ago (7 years later) I finally managed it - but not with my own family, with my partner's. Why? Because my ex refused to come to Wales because there is no surf here!
The one time I joined my own family for a few days in Swanage, he only managed to get the train up for the weekend and I had to incorporate a visit to my Granny's grave as part of my run, as he refused to spend his own time going there with me.
Despite knowing what I'm sharing is in many ways 1st World problems, it's only now that my life is full of normality and calm that I realise how much I was kidding myself back then. How little my needs or wishes were taken in to account. He didn't even ask and even if he had, I wouldn't of had a clue what they even were. Why? Because I was so far away from them, I'd lost touch with myself. Sacrificed myself to the relationship and lost myself in the process.
It's only now that I can recognise this as unprocessed, unresolved trauma but also now I know how to get through it.
So how have I done it? What's the Solution?
I've been able to talk to my partner about it! I've been listened to, understood, validated and supported. I've been able to take some time out guilt free to process my feelings and regulate my nervous system. I've reached out to my inner circle and my unofficial coach (my business partner Susie) who all totally get it. I've also booked myself in to see my therapist when I get back. Every good coach and therapist also need their own, and mine are always there for me thank goodness.
What's made me the saddest though is that for so many women, they don't know where to turn or how to get help. Hell, often a lot of the time, they don't even think they NEED help - they just keep trudging through life with the trauma chipping away at their nervous system, keeping them in an anxious state, sapping their energy and enjoyment of life.
No-one deserves this, I wish it were possible for every person who has gone through this and far worse to feel deserving of healing, and of course know where to access it. But how can you do that?
Why not book a call to learn more about how we can help you with your own unique processing and healing?
With love and healing,
Liz xxx
