Why Children and Finances Shouldn’t Be Separated in Family Law

Part of me wants to write this title and then just follow it with a one word blog : "Obviously."

But perhaps I'll add some meat to the bones. 

For anyone who has ever been through family court proceedings, you’ll know that nothing about the process is simple — especially when it comes to our children.

In theory, the Children Act exists to protect children’s best interests. But in practice, the way the system separates child arrangements from financial matters often ends up prolonging the pain and uncertainty for families — and can actively undermine the very outcomes it claims to support.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

One of my biggest reflections, both personally and from working with hundreds of women through Family Flow, is this:

Children and finances are rarely separate issues — and trying to treat them as such makes everything harder.

Yes, there are cases where only one part needs resolution. But in most families, the two are deeply intertwined. Housing, schooling, routines, work, stability — all of it affects our children’s wellbeing. To be forced to deal with them in separate processes just extends the agony. It also creates room for more conflict, more confusion, and more risk that vital information gets missed or misunderstood.

We need a family law system that reflects the reality families live in — not the administrative silos of the court.

No Time for Truth: What the Courtroom Misses

Another serious flaw in the current system is just how little space there is for actual dialogue.

Allegations can be made in court without warning — things that have never appeared in statements or bundles — and you may have no opportunity to reply. Once something is said aloud, especially if it surprises the judge, it can distort the lens through which your whole case is viewed. The idea that family courts are purely evidence-based doesn’t always hold up in the lived experience of litigants.

There’s simply no time for proper curiosity. No space to really ask:

• What is this child’s world like?

• What do they need now, and long-term?

• Who is best placed to meet those needs, and how?

These questions get buried under procedure — and yet they’re the ones that matter most.

The Emotional Load No One Sees

Something else I wish the system acknowledged more honestly: the invisible labour that mothers, particularly, are expected to carry.

They are so often asked to remain calm, cooperative, and child-focused — even when their own stability is under threat. Even when they’re absorbing the full emotional weight of trying to hold things together. And when they raise concerns? They’re frequently labelled ‘controlling’ or ‘obstructive.’

We need a more honest conversation about how gendered this system still is. About how often women are doing the lion’s share of the parenting, while still being asked to justify their instincts in courtrooms that rarely make true space for their perspective.

The Myth of 50/50

Another theme that keeps coming up — and that I’ve lived through myself — is the growing assumption that shared care (often interpreted as “50/50”) is always in a child’s best interests.

Let me be clear: sometimes it is. Divorce can offer a powerful rebalancing of roles, giving fathers the chance to take on more care and mothers the opportunity to breathe, rebuild careers, and regain autonomy.

But this doesn’t mean 50/50 is always right — or even always possible.

Children who’ve always been with one primary carer may find it destabilising to suddenly flip between homes, especially if the other parent isn’t yet resourced (emotionally, practically, financially) to provide consistent care. And we hear time and time again of cases where fathers seek equal time — but plan to outsource it to nannies or au pairs.

It's not about judging these choices — it’s about whether they’ve been thought through from the child’s point of view. And too often, they haven’t. The courtroom doesn’t always ask:

• Is this realistic?

• Is this what the child needs?

• What does the primary carer think — and why?

And when it doesn’t ask, families are left to pick up the pieces.

Children Need Stability — Not Stalemates

Prolonged conflict and legal limbo have a real impact on children’s mental health. They notice everything — the tension, the transitions, the instability. When finances drag on, or arrangements keep changing, it can leave them anxious, confused, and untethered.

We talk about “child-centred” systems. But too often, what we have is a system-led process — rigid, time-expansive, and procedural — with very little understanding of how these drawn-out proceedings actually feel to children. Especially the quieter ones.

The Absence of Trauma-Informed Practice

Another critical gap is trauma-awareness.

Too few judges and professionals have meaningful training in coercive control, emotional abuse, or the longer-term effects of living in high-conflict homes. When someone has spent years being controlled — financially, emotionally, or psychologically — asking them to “negotiate fairly” or co-parent smoothly without adequate support is not just unrealistic. It’s unsafe.

The system must do better at understanding post-separation abuse, and the way it continues to play out in court.

A Better Way Forward: NCDR with Humanity

This is why we at Family Flow are so passionate about non-court dispute resolution (NCDR). Because when it’s done well, it:

• gives families time to be heard

• considers children and finances together

• allows for emotional nuance

• supports post-separation safety and dignity

But it only works if it’s properly resourced — and trauma-informed. Parents can’t make good decisions in a state of overwhelm. They need calm, compassionate guidance. And time.

Not Just Process Reform — A Cultural Shift

We don’t just need a quicker system. We need a braver one. One that dares to centre humanity over paperwork. One that is willing to ask: what’s really going on here? Not just: what’s the most “even” or “efficient” split?

We also need a system that's willing to name power imbalances and unhealthy behaviours at every level — to hold out a shining light of possibility for families, whilst calling out the poor behaviours that keep them stuck.

We need a cultural shift — one that sees separation not as a battle to be won, but as a transition to be supported. One that centres children, yes — but also acknowledges the complexity and resource gaps that parents face in trying to rebuild a safe, stable life.

If you’re walking through this right now — confused, exhausted, unheard — you’re not alone. We see you. And we believe there’s a better way forward.

One that’s clearer, kinder, and more honest about what families really need to thrive after separation. 💛

If you’re looking for support, you’re warmly invited to join our free WhatsApp community — a safe space to ask questions, share experiences, and feel less alone.

Or, if you’d like personalised guidance, you can book a free discovery call with us to explore how we might help you move forward.

Join the WhatsApp group here or book a discovery call here — whatever you need, we’re here to walk alongside you.

PS While we often speak from the perspective of mothers — reflecting the reality of most families we work with — we acknowledge that every family dynamic is different, and that fathers and non-binary parents may also face exclusion, injustice, or invisibility in the system. Our observations reflect recurring patterns, not universal truths.